how to ask for help

I’m going to back into today’s conversation with an introduction to my very under the radar Woo-Woo Society. Born a few years ago out of a desire to go beyond the standard protocols of an American GNO. To which the scene is most often set at a cute restaurant, conversation centering around catching up on everyday life over some girl dinner and typically more than some wine. Although those “let’s get up to date” evenings hold a top rung on the nights-I-look-most-forward-to ladder, they don't have the capacity to go deeper.

To quote my current hyper-fixation artist, Kacey Musgraves from her aptly titled album "Deeper Well," I crave "intimate convos that go way into the night." A handful of us gather in my dear friend's1 pool house to learn about different, more fringe traditions and practices. We have guest speakers ranging from hypnotherapists to reiki healers to card readers. But mainly, it’s a place where we are all safe to open up and hold space for each other. We discuss what we are grappling with, what we are excited about but feel vulnerable to share in a larger way, what’s keeping us up at night. There are always tears, and it’s always so worth the back-and-forth calendar swapping and mom guilt of leaving on a Monday or Tuesday evening to focus on some good old-fashioned self-care. The evening always begins with some sort of intention setting. What are we hoping to gain from the time together? Is it leaving something behind? Is it getting clarity on something in the future?

I’d love to drop more in your inbox!

We’ve been doing this for a while now, and I’ve noticed two big modern feelings are consistently on center stage:

1. Asking for help and 2. Imposter syndrome.

Without sounding holier-than-thou, because I have my fair share of mental roadblocks, those two just aren’t in my repertoire. The lack of being fearful of asking for help stems from seeing my mother do it so effortlessly and accepting it so easily. My sister and I were raised by a village, and we are so, so grateful for that. We have bonus mothers all over the place that have helped shape our worldview. We knew when our mom was at work, living out her passionate calling, that she continues well on today past retirement, to advocate for the educational rights of people with special needs, we weren’t an afterthought. We had a magnitude of support from aunts, grandparents, cousins, or friends.

*One of my personal favorites was her secretary, Ms. Stephanie, who had approval to check me out of school if Mom was in a meeting. I unabashedly abused said privilege at the slightest signal of a menstrual cramp.*

I never heard my mom say to my dad, “Oh, I feel so guilty for taking your sister up on the offer to watch the girls.” And on the other side of the coin, whoever's care we were in always seemed happy to have us and support us. Knowing firsthand the positive effects of her asking for and accepting help as a working mother fuels my desire to do the same.

After some retrospection, I think the lack of imposter syndrome came from starting my first business at 26. I was young, passionate, and invincible in the way that you see tiny newbie children skiers flying down the mountain versus the adults clenching with fear at the top, thinking about the inconvenience, physically and logistically, of having a serious injury at this phase of life. Ignorance, she sure was bliss. I’d never had money before, so what if it flops? I’d be the same as I started. There also was a huge lack of educational resources for modern entrepreneurship. I read books like "The E-myth," "4 Hour Work Week," and "Start with Why" over and over. There wasn’t new advice popping into my brain and distracting me from my delusions ad nauseam as there is now online. I couldn’t compare myself to other 26-year-old business owners because I couldn’t see them. Who was I impostering?

I find myself grappling with giving advice to my friends and colleagues struggling with those very real issues. My path, very fortunately, made it easy to avoid those entanglements. Who am I to say how to correct something I have never had to actively overcome?

So, I was very excited to come across a post this week from my local favorite bookstore that was a perfect example to me of how to overcome those fears in a real-time, 2024 example. The post entailed that business was slow. But it wasn’t a charity plea. It wasn’t an SOS for the life of the business. She stated that she knew summer and the tourists it brings to our slice of paradise would pick the sales back up, but she needed a boost to get there. It was so refreshing to see her remind the locals that adore the wonderful business she’s built, that if they are doing shopping, to keep her top of mind. Friends shared it in stories and on the school moms text thread. Other businesses gave incentives if you came in with the bookstore receipt. And you know what? It worked. She followed up a few days later with a post that they had record sales!

After pondering why it had the secret sauce to do just what she intended, I came up with a few reasons:

1. Her post gave us confidence in her business plan. She knew the sales were coming. She just needed a band-aid. So it’s a business that, yes, we want to invest in because she has the vision farther than the present moment. As a business owner myself, I know how challenging it is to not let the current day cloud the facts.
2. She didn’t shame people for not shopping local. Nor did she offer discounts or incentives. She exuded faith in what she offered and faith in her client base that they simply needed a reminder to shop with her.
3. She was open and honest. She didn’t pretend she was “overstocked and needed to clear out some inventory!” A trick I utilized well in my early days when struggling to find the right inventory balance for demand. She stated the facts as facts. No gimmicks. No sugar coating. Vulnerability to make Brene Brown proud.

If she let imposter syndrome or fear of asking for help get in the way, where would she be today? My guess is staring down a black hole of credit cards and employee payroll, playing out the scenarios of what’s the least worst path. Instead, she showed up. Put ego away and simply asked for what she needed. And her success is a shining star of why we should all be actively trying to overcome those modern anxieties.

When wearing my business owner and consultant hat these days, conversations have been centered around the uncertainty of what this year brings consumer-wise. It’s never been harder to get in front of your customers' eyes as a small business. Influencers that dominate the scrolling waves are more fueled to promote items from large companies so they can make a maximum amount per post. Small businesses simply aren’t built to hold enough inventory to support a viral sell-through. Online ads are the highest price they have ever been and even when you can afford them, their effectiveness is waning- another category big business wins. Being top of your customers' minds is a pricey and challenging game in 2024. But it isn’t all doom and gloom. Small businesses are savvy and can pivot. But those two key pieces are best served with a healthy dose of creativity paired with putting your ego and how you think your business “should look” aside. On the consumer-facing side, we need to be reminded of just how much power we hold in voting with our dollars. Putting your money back into communities you care about and to stewards who are not exclusively chasing record breaking CEO profits.

You will be hearing a lot more from me on this subject in the coming months. I’ve hired a lovely research assistant to help me get deeper into the actual data (outside of my favorite kind of data: feels) of supporting small versus large businesses. And to be clear when I say “small business,” I mean them all. The solopreneurs of content creators, artists, newsletter writers, shop owners of the digital and physical variety, stylists, the list grows daily. There are so many unique modern ways of doing business in 2024 that don’t have road maps. Good people wanting to put work they are passionate about into the world and share them with others who can enjoy are the kind of people I love to support and am so thrilled to be able to do so.

Summarizing this much longer than intended post with some homework:

1. Start and/or find a deep conversation kind of night support group. It might seem inconvenient at first but man oh man is it so worth it.
2. Shop small!!!!
3. Take the imposter syndrome and lack of asking for help out back and light it on fire. Take it from me that has a plethora of behind the scenes knowledge on a good many businesses in all shapes and sizes. No one knows what they are doing. And the ones that do, ask for a lot of help :)