Sometimes, it's just hard
It’s been a week since coming back from a fantastic for the soul trip I’ll never forget with my husband and 2 young kids.
When I told people about the the trip (2 weeks mainly off grid in Montana and Wyoming- 7 nights all cozied up in a sprinter van, the other 7 mainly in National Park Lodging) there were many mixed responses but most were “that sounds so intense and like my worst nightmare but good for y’all!”
And I get it. I do not have a typical relationship with “relaxation.” I work very hard at making my day to day life as “relaxing” as I can so when I set out for time spent outside of the home, I want it to help me gain new perspectives and break out of my routines.
If I were you and I was reading this, I probably would have stopped at that last paragraph. “Oh neat-o, her life is so relaxing that she needs her 2 week vacations to be hard!” But the fact of the matter is, I keep my home life very calm so I can just be a functioning human. As I have written about in the past, I have been plagued with a distinct brand of general anxiety since I have been a small child. Through modern therapy, turning over every woo-woo rock I come across, and some plant meds sprinkled in- I have learned to not just live with my anxiety but be grateful for it. But said mindsets require. so. much. damn. work. I have to stay ahead of the racing thoughts or they will catch up to me. Doing mindset work is now like brushing my teeth- the data is in that if I neglect it, the cavities will come and I will regret the pain that comes with having to deal with it so I don’t let it drop.
I was so sure I was going to come back from the trip refreshed and recharged and excited to jump back into work projects but so far the opposite happened. My mental energy while traveling was spent exclusively focusing on what were the most beautiful hikes we could do, planning and prepping for good meals to fuel up before and after being on the trails, where we would stay that night. While in the woods, your focus has to stay on the task at hand- don’t misstep and hurt yourself, don’t sneak up on a bear, fearfully rationalize if that rustling was a grizzly ready to attack or a ground squirrel.
There simply was no room to be pondering existential dread (my fav kind of dread!!!!) Questions like: how to keep an e-comm biz thriving in the murky economy we find ourselves in? how to navigate sticky legal issues with said biz I have been burying my head in the sand about for too long? how’s my team feeling? Are they stressed? Are they too stressed? Is my lack of formal training in business causing them suffering? I should put myself out there more. I should put myself out there less. Is my love of helping other people with their businesses a good thing or a way to deflect from my own to do list? Am I a one trick pony that just got lucky in a successful first forray into entrepreneurship? I think you get the picture. These rumination cycles require a large degree of counter balance to return to homeostasis.
One night when I was making a salad on the tiny counter in the van, I confessed to my husband how much easier it is to feel like myself away my “real life.” And I guess that’s what vacation is about- how to escape your everyday and try on a different life for a bit. But having a break from my very large ambitions and passion for my work life (which are very real and make me very happy although they also make me a little insane) was just so lovely and a realm I am having a challenging time getting out of. So I started my normal attack of pulling out all of my tools- meditation, spiritual study, moving my body, making a fresh meal from scratch, gardening (dont rec in Charleston in July), going to my favorite coffee shop (Harbinger!), giving time a young entrepreneur that reached out for advice, force my husband to tell me what he’s stressed about to so I can tell him how ridiculous that is in a way from distracting me from my own said stress. Usually one or a combo of these things does the trick and yet I’m still sitting here wondering what I am actually good at. I drafted no less than 6 newsletters on the trip and my takeaways and scrapped them all- why would anyone even want to read this??
And that leads up to the present sit down and brain dump without a plan with the hope that it reaches someone that’s feeling the same way. The internet tells you to just believe you’ll overcome. Exposing yourself to the highlight reel gives your subconscious so much fuel to create stories on how its only you who has ever felt this way in the history of time and everyone else can just effortlessly accomplish it all. the problem is indeed you.
But the reality is, sometimes it’s just hard.
I know I will snap out of this, and if you are in some phase of this cycle you will too. But for now the only advice I can give is you aren’t alone. And maybe knowing that is enough?
